Cien

marvin is my first love…

i had a crush on him when we were grade 2.then i was transferred to another school.time passed, one day i received a letter with a warning on the envelope “if you’re not lucienne, don’t open this!” i opened the letter after kissing and smelling it.i read through the lines…and i held on to eveything marvin said in that letter for years .we were grade 5 then.

to cut the long story short…i had boyfriends, he had a girlfriend.but deep inside we knew that we only belong to each other.so we waited,as we remained friends and would go out from time to time.we would secretly hold hands under the table when we eat out with our friends.(kilig moments)… Read More

so… june 6, 2004 general nakar, rizal..i said yes to forever with him.

we’ve been married now for 2 years..and still counting.

Two days passed… and here I am again, standing by the sink, about to start cleaning the bottles. A dozen of feeding bottles. Izzie is growing so fast. I can see it by the amount of her milk intake and how often I wash her bottles. In the beginning I really didn’t like doing this. This certain task of cleaning and sterilizing bottles every other day takes so much of my time and how it tires me! I dread it as I wash one bottle after the other. But I don’t like sharing this task either. It’s just that those are my baby’s bottles and I can only be sure of their cleanliness if I do it myself. I don’t know if it’s paranoia or just being a good mother. Of course I’d rather be the latter, however tiring the task can be! But don’t get me wrong. I love and enjoy taking care of my little princess except this one task.

While I clean the bottles, I always find myself having deep thoughts about my life. I guess it’s the only time where I can wonder and wander. So different questions pour in… Had I ever picture myself doing exactly like this five or ten years ago? How much longer would I be cleaning bottles? Is my world now only means Marvin and Izzie? Where are my friends, why I don’t see them at all? Why now I’m contented having only three to fours of sleep a day as if I’m never entitled to sleep longer. Am I good enough as a wife and mother? How about my career, when can I go back to work? Or can I survive being away from my baby longer than five hours? Well, these are some of the many questions I get to think about every time I wash Izzie’s bottles. The good thing is, I find answers to all of them. Thank God! Yes, I don’t like washing the bottles but really, I find peace in it. For a moment, I could stop and think and finally thank God for everything.

One answer I have now is that I won’t be cleaning bottles for a long time and even if I would, I’d be happy to do this dreading task!

(This is the night before i left english story. im going to miss my dear friends so i decided to copy/paste some of our conversations here. it will surely bring back good memories someday.)

[8:56:59 PM] ava says: Ok…bawat isa stin magsusulat ng mga bagay na aywa natin sa isat-isa…meaning…bawat isa kumpleto na pangalan na nakalagay para hindi magulo…

[8:58:30 PM] Teacher Eric says: sige mauna ka na
[8:59:02 PM] Teacher Eric says: sige mauna ka na ava
[9:00:14 PM] Teacher Eric says: sabay pa talaga kau dalawa cien at ava?
[9:00:24 PM] Teacher Eric says: ah okies
[9:00:44 PM] Teacher Eric says: ok here’s the order
ava
cien
rose
eric

[9:00:57 PM] Teacher Eric says: tirahan na
[9:01:20 PM] Teacher Eric says: teka ano nga pala ang question?

[9:03:40 PM] ava says: Eric=ummm feeling ko unpredictable sya…i mean the mood…base sa nakaraan, dmo alam kelan kyo talaga good..but so far happy ako ngaun sa situation natin dhil nakaramdam ako as one tyo ngaun…don’t we? hehehe
[9:06:34 PM] ava says: Cien=ay sus! utos ng utos yan…jan nya ko mejo napipikon dko lang pinapahalata…ummm…kahit tipong wala naman syang gngwa ako pa rin uutusan nyan parang mas matanda pa sya skin :^)hmmm…before nakita ko din ung attitude nya na mahilig nyang iinsist ung gusto nya like bubuksan ung bagay na sarado pa pero un ung nakaraan naman na nakita ko…but the best thing about her is she really knows when and how to listen… (talk)i will miss you…
[9:08:23 PM] ava says: Rose=hmmm….intuition lang mabibigay ko for Rose…feeling ko lang nasa loob kulo nyan, nyahaha…pero wala ako masabi sa ugali nya na hindi mahirap iapproach…basta meron OK sya…basta pwede OK sya..walang arte…un nga lang minsan nangangapa ako sa kanya…
[9:08:33 PM] ava says: <<<tapos na ko ha>>>

[9:12:04 PM] Cien says: kay eric…masyadong vain!!! daig ako sa pagka-vain.minsan hindi ko na ma-gets why he has to be concern sa lahat ng detalye ng physical nya.at sya lang ang may mirror sa table. pero okey lang yun. isa pang ayaw ko kay eric, yung marami syang correction sa iba pero hindi nya masabi directly. tingin ko naman pwede nyang sabihin yun. aside dun wala na. masyado lang talaga syang vain.
[9:16:06 PM] Cien says: kay rose… ayaw mag-open up.ang hirap tanungin kasi most of the time hindi ka naman nya sasagutin.parang minsan gusto nyang sabihin sakin "mind your own business" eh gusto ko talaga magkwentuhan.kaso sya parang hindi talaga interesado.hmph! excited pa naman ako kasi first time kong may ka-age sa work. yun lang
[9:24:06 PM] Cien says: kay ava… minsan ang sama makatingin.yun pa naman pinaka- ayw ko sa lhat. pwede naman nyang sabihin nakakainis ka na ha.eh titingnan ka lang ng masama.tsaka hindi ko naman feel na mas matanda sya sakin, siguro nga umaabuso na ako minsan^^ wala naman akong ayaw kay ava aside dun. promise.
[9:24:50 PM] Cien says: anong bubuksan yung bagay na sarado pa?
[9:24:55 PM] Cien says: hindi ko gets yun ah
[9:24:57 PM] ava says: (chuckle)

[9:34:18 PM] Teacher Rose says: Ava:  Tapang a babae ito.  Madami beses ako nagulat dito.  Yung bigla salita, bigla hampas.. Kakagulat.. ^^ Lalo na pag nagpaparinig, parang magkakaramble.. ^^ Yun lang naman kasi nakakagulat.  Pero bilib ako sa disposisyon nito sa buhay. And the way she handles everyday issues and problems, kabilib. ^^ Ma "sense" tong bababe na to

[9:34:47 PM] Teacher Rose says: Cien: Matanong and makulit.  Hehe..wala akong lusot.  Pero mamimiss ko talaga to. Nakakainis, mga little jokes na natural.  Mga kaekekan.  Cute ang ways nito eh. Pag friend ka niya, feeling lucky ka.  ^^

[9:35:12 PM] Cien says: wow rosey kakaiyak ka naman
[9:35:15 PM] Cien says: ;(
[9:35:22 PM] Cien says: nahipo mo ako dun ah
[9:35:58 PM] ava says: Thank you rose…feeling ko ang tino ko talaga pag ikaw ang ngcomment skin…seryoso…kaya ginagahan ako eh… :*pero thank you for trusting me the way i handle things…i really appreciate it.
[9:38:25 PM] Teacher Rose says: Eric:  I think Eric is emotional.  Unang sabak ko sa madibdibang usapan yun.. ^^ but the gud thing is he really expresses it out.. galit kung galit, ayaw kung ayaw..pag emosyon kasi pinaguusapan medyo maselan.  Pero mas gusto ko na mas totoo kaya tago..Pero he stands firm and consistent sa sinasabi niya kahit at his own expense..
[9:39:02 PM] Teacher Rose says: at mukhang perfectionist si eric..^^ (lagi send ng files)
[9:39:16 PM] Teacher Eric says: Ava = your feeling (fillin according to ace) is right. unpredictable ako kase pati ako can’t even see my next mood. moody talga ako. i hate my being fragile kase parang you made me feel not to break it. pero i am happy kase you are trying to adjust to that. but i would be more glad if you help me out change that person in me. don’t be afraid to scold me at times if there’s a need to. i felt at times honestly you’re giving lip service nyahaha… but i am glad we are getting close to each other. i just remember that once we didn’t see eye to eye. feeling ko you were all against me. feeling ko ang sama ko sa yo… but anyway i am happy that things are getting better. i felt also at times that you bully my person in me. for all i know i hate it kase straight-acting ako… you know what i mean… but anyway it’s just a matter of getting used to it. i am happy also that somehow you accept my being me. i knew i didn’t open it up to you but you somehow knew. i am happy. sometimes i hate the way you dress. emphatic for being skinny.. ha ha ha. take it as a challenge. there is beauty in you. sa unang tingin maganda.. kalaunan maganda pa rin naman pero mas maenhance pag carry ang pananamit

cien = the one i consider the friendliest to me. wala akong masabi sobrang bait never had turned the tables on me.. not that i know….. :^) it got me disappointed na you even say something bad about me.. but it’s no matter.. ako din naman tinira ka minsan  but not that i really meant it. after all iba ka kay ace. i hate you for being kunsintidor sa akin kahit alam mong mali pilit mo ko inintindi tulad nung kay jomai or kay che.. pero i knew it you did it kase alam mo may isip ako… cien is always there kahit masama loob nya sa kin nagawa pa rin nyang ihug ako.. remember after the meeting with miss carla. i cried deep inside kase nararamdaman ko pagiging sincere mo. you were and are the only one who said or say goodbye to me when we split especailly  in troubled times. i appreciated that. you are very consistent. cien vain talga ako since time immemorial…
iba ang sense of humor… basta cute … remeber the "lol" thing?

rose = laging mukhang ngarag na maganda. damit ay di naulit ni minsan i observed… i hate it kase talo mo ako sa bagay na yun.. gusto ko rin kase ganun.. ha ha ha nakikipacompete ba (brad "pete" sabi ni ace) … next time umulit ka naman damit… ok? ha ha ha juks lang … OA ang boses di lang siguro ako sanay (pero cute naman minsan) nyahaha.. saka di ko alam kung conservative ba to o hindi or pademure lang … di ko tuloy alam paano iapproach… in other words old-fashioned na dressed in fashion. nyahahaha… anyway si rose ay maganda inside out.. wag lumaki ang kung anu mang lalaki dyan.. ay mali di ko nga pala mafathom kung conservative itits. ay bastos "ito"
[9:42:58 PM] Teacher Eric says: nabasa nyo na?

[9:43:11 PM] ava says: <<ang ganda>>isa pa nga, nyahaha
[9:43:55 PM] Teacher Eric says: feedback portion ba?

[9:44:15 PM] Teacher Eric says: ha ha ha
[9:44:42 PM] Teacher Eric says: hala parang nahurt ko si cien?

[9:45:08 PM] ava says: To eric=pasensya at pati ako talaga hirap na magbihis…sa kapayatan ko…honestly tagal ko sa harap ng cabinet dko na maisuot dhl mas dko na madadala…sometimes pagniyaya ako ni cien bumaba ayaw ko dhl d ako komportable sa suot ko…deep inside hirap noh…d lang halata..pero pansin ko pansin ka ng pansin skin..maganda bko for you? (puke)

[9:45:48 PM] Teacher Rose says: ever straight to the point ava

[9:46:19 PM] ava says: kkk…masyado lang talga ko komportable sa inyo people…and totoo ko talaga..mas masarap huminga eh
[9:46:25 PM] Teacher Eric says: pero i think objectively maganda ka
[9:46:29 PM] Teacher Eric says: subjectively hindi

[9:47:17 PM] Cien says:
what i like about eric: eric okay ka.nakita ko nung nagka-problema tayo before. alam kong sobrang hurt ka nung time nayun.pero nakita ko rin kung pano ka naka-recover. tapos you forgivr and forget.at alam mo ba..hindi ko nakakalimutan yung pag-asikaso mo samin nung nakikitulog kami sa inyo.i will always remember that. at pag may sinabi ako sayo, ready ka plagi to listen. at may isasagot ka plagi.you never made me feel alone. thank you talag.nung nagkahiwalay tayo sa ere, ewan ko pero sobrang namiss kita non. naku..mamimiss nanaman kita.basta happy ka lang palagi ha.
What I like about ava: masaya syang kasama.wlang araw na hindi nya ako pinatawa.at lahat pwede kong sabihin sa knya. Gutso ko rin yung sabay kaming naiiyak sa mga bagay bagay.sobatng at home ako kay ava.she’s one person I know na forever ng part ng bawat serye ng buhay ko.kais naiintindihan nya ako.at ramdam ko na love nya ako. Once ko na nasabi to noon.si ava yung taong ipaglalaban ko pag may nang-api sa knya. Ava is a wonderful person. Gusto ko sa heaven magkasama parin kami.

What I like about rose: I like to know her more…kasi tingin ko sa knya ang bait bait nya.at kaya nyang makibagay sa lahat.sana lang ma-continue pa an gating friendship.gusto kasi kita i-keep kasi I know isa kang mabuting tao at kaibigan

[9:52:16 PM] Teacher Rose says: oo si ava..pag dating niyan,STUNNINg talaga yan..^^
[9:53:29 PM] Teacher Rose says: si CIEN, hay naku..wala pa yang sinabi, tingnan ka pa lang..MATA pa lang..sa KABAITAn ramdam mo na..yung concern, kahit mapapatanong ka..BAKIT KA PA KASI AALIS??
[9:53:35 PM] Teacher Eric says: by 9 may klase na ako pero continue nyo lang may maganda ako topic naisip

[9:54:50 PM] ava says: ito seryoso talaga…c cien ung isa sa mga nakilala ko na binigyan ako ng right na maging ako…hindi talaga ko nakakaramdam ng tipong taong komportable skin, pero gladly c cien un…alam ko kc character ko…critic ako and mapangasar, c cien gusto ko maging kaibigan kc kaya nya ko dalin…and soul sister code ko syo dahil bawat kwento mo ramdam ko…kahit lolo mo knkwento mo naiiyak ako, sa fyts nyo ni marvin, sakit mo before, ung gnwa ni carla syo, nasaktan ako…and i was really determine to stand by ur side yesterday no matter what…naiiyak ako tlga…bilib me people duwag ako magisa kaya natatakot nko ngaun pa lang kung cno pa sa inyo aalis d2..hmmmm….
[9:54:59 PM] Teacher Rose says: si Eric ang HONESTY umaapaw..konti lang ang tao ganyan.. yun tipong pag ginawa niya at sinabi niya hindi idedeny..btw, salamat sa mga corrections
[9:54:59 PM] Cien says: diba eric crush mo ako?
[9:55:16 PM] Cien says: kaso hindi talaga tayo talo.
[9:55:39 PM] Cien says: ako, pureness ang friendship ko sayo.walang halong malisya

[9:58:57 PM] ava says: c eric chikboy=pwede maging chik pwede maging boy, nyahahaha (rofl)
[9:58:58 PM] Teacher Eric says: add nyo si ace lol
[9:59:06 PM] Teacher Eric says: ha ha ha
[9:59:48 PM] Teacher Eric says: kugn ababae lang ako andami ko na siguro anak.. lam mo ba yun.. lol
[10:00:11 PM] ava says: oo

[10:00:54 PM] ava says: uy labas tyo pahangin man lang
[10:01:22 PM] ava says: group discussion, naka indiansit na nakaikot…
[10:01:23 PM] Teacher Eric says: gusto ko talga bumalik sa paninigarilyo ayaw ni john hu hu hu

(Bye guys. thanks for all the wonderful memories. wait, lilibutin pa natin ang pinas ha! by that time may baby na ako. woohoo!!!)

To be exact…I am now 2 months and 5 days pregnant. Marvin and I are so happy and still in seventh heaven. God answered our prayer so early! We had our first check up last Tuesday. Thanks to my ate love for being with us that time. We could have been lost and didn’t know what to do. Last Saturday, we saw the embryo’s heartbeat. Marvin was really thrilled. And seeing him like that made me fall in love with him more.

Tomorrow is our second check up (this time without ate love). I pray that everything’s going to be fine and exciting.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

       Last saturday, after having spent the whole night(i mean until dawn) at starbucks, with all the palpitation, my sister gave me a needed wake up call. I never really cared about my weight and getting fat until now. Somebody from our church (thanks to you! duh!) started to spread rumor that i am pregnant. Her line was, "Don’t you notice her tummy’s getting bigger?" (grrrrr….) True enough, I am getting bigger nowadays. So what? At first, my impulse was to confront that girl… but then I realized, why would i even bother? Besides, she doesn’t worth my time and effort (duh!)

For the record, I am NOT pregnant. But it could happen any time soon after I marry Marvin (his mom really wants to have a grandson). Indeed, I am getting fat. And as I’ve said, this rumor that I’m pregnant might be a wake up call for me to consider a weight management plan. It will be for my good, I don’t want to get fat either! It’s better to start now or i might regret later on, especially when I become Mrs. Monera and have kids. Of course, I want to look good for my dearest. He deserves nothing but the best!

I prepared a blouse yesterday. It was pink and dotted. I left it somewhere. I was supposed to wear it today. But now, i’m wearing a floral one. Where is my dotted blouse? Something might have happened between yesterday and now. I shouldn’t be inside this floral top… Why am i here? I never intended to be here. The presence of agony  and abandonment seems to envelop my entirety.

*we may often utter the words "i love you" … none of it will ever make sense unless we let it manifest through our acts. and saying "i love you" doesn’t give us any right to take somebody for granted. love is not only love… love is a lot of things…

All our fears represent in any form, I believe, like the uncertainty of the future. But is it our business to pry into what may happen tomorrow? It is a difficult and painful exercise which saps the strength and uses up the time given to us today. Once we give ourselves up to God, shall we attempt to get hold of what can never belong to us - tomorrow? Our lives are His, our time is in His hand, He is Lord over what will happen, never mind what will happen. If my life is once surrendered to God, all is well. Let me not grab it back as if I know better than God! Today is mine. Tomorrow is none of my business. If i peer anxiously into the fog of the future, I will strain my spiritual eyes so that I will not see clearly what is required of me now.